3. Rebalancing love

Boy problems, who's got 'em?

I recently fell for someone and was shaken by how the affair consumed me. I had broken up with my last boyfriend in pursuit of independence and a truer version of myself, yet here I was, spiraling over another boy. I wasn't supposed to be boy crazy so soon… I was supposed to be “finding” myself, exploring hobbies, and maybe going on a casual date or two or three.

That intense albeit short episode has now ended, and I can look back with more breathing room. I’ve realized the following:

1. I am only human to have caught feels, not a creature of poor willpower or character for doing so.

2. I felt a rekindled sense of optimism towards romantic love despite things fading out. In the piercing words of Ocean Vuong: "What I felt then, however, was not desire, but the coiled charge of its possibility, a feeling that emitted, it seemed, its gravity, holding me in place." Isn’t possibility alluring?

3. That said, I learned that without deeper mental and values shifts, old habits and patterns would re-emerge. I have a pattern of giving boyfriends the leading role in my life and relegating friendships to the background, and this episode was yet another reminder of this tendency.

How does one slow the gravity of our societal script that places all hopes and dreams upon the shoulders of romantic partners?

Exploring intimacy in friendships

While intimacy can refer to physical closeness, it can also refer to a feeling of deep familiarity and trust. For so long, I have biased towards diplomacy and peace in most of my friendships. This has at times prevented me from being my true self or expressing my desires and needs, a necessary precondition for platonic intimacy.

One reframing that has helped behavior shift is moving away from the mindset of "I want to minimize inconveniences to others" to "I will give friends opportunities to please and delight me." Believe it or not, true homies want to bring a smile to your face.

Recently, intimacy in friendship has looked like the following:

• Receiving the cutest dog toy without feeling guilty for not having anything in return

• Telling a friend how I wish he had been more upfront about not being able to go on a road-trip with me instead of giving me a tentative maybe that faded into radio silence

• Asking a friend to co-host a dinner party with me, driving grocery runs and ingredient prep so I could be free to welcome and entertain guests

• Accepting compliments with gratitude instead of explaining them away. Side note, any time I notice myself using the word “just” towards my accomplishments or dreams (it’s just a small role, it’s just something for fun) I know I am likely minimizing myself.

So this month, I ask for you to shift a little more headspace, comfort, and love into your friendships. Maybe that's spending a little more time calling a friend instead of swiping on Tinder, or finally making that homies' movie night happen.

As Malcom Gladwell says: “Friendship is the process of continuous recalibration of the understanding of someone's idiosyncrasies.” How might you make time to explore those idiosyncrasies? How might you create the conditions for serendipity and curiosity to emerge in your platonic relationships?

Mindful Consumption

📚 Books

• On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong. Vuong’s writing is absolutely piercing.

• Barbarian Days: A Surfing Life by William Finnegan

🎶 Music

• Prelude No. 1 in C major by Bach. Tar anyone?

• Aisha by Joki Fruend Sextet. Got me wanting to reach for my yazzzz flute.

😋 Food and Drink

• Cinnamon apple spice tea

• Greek lettuce salad paired with beef feta meatballs. Hat tip to my friend Evelyn who showed me the magic of this combo.

That’s it for this month’s edition, be sure to like or subscribe so you don’t miss the next.

Thanks for reading!

XOXO JZ